A friend has written to tell me that my last posting, on Forgiveness, resonated for her. So I thought I might add that I have also been thinking about friendship and unconditional love.

It seems to be true that when you mess up, you find out who your friends really are. People can say "I love you" for years, but when you make a mistake (which you will) it can turn out that their love was based on their ideal of you or who they wanted you to be, not really the struggling self that every human being is. I think one of the reasons I love my friend Lisa is that she has such a merciful attitude towards other human beings that when her friends make mistakes, she is capable of "instantly forgiving" them, or so it seems to me. She counsels to ask, "What can you learn from this?" It's always the question, isn't it, if we believe that our mistakes, our heart-breaks, are purposeful? Ultimately, of course, no one can punish more than you can do to yourself, but it is a harsh punishment when a consequence of your mistake is the withdrawal of love by someone whom you thought really loved you.

One of the things I have learned is that love is easy to say, harder to do. Unconditional love is even harder: saying, and meaning, I will love you even when you make mistakes, or hurt me, or disappoint me. That's really, really tough: even in relation to one's children, I have discovered that it's grand theory to say "I love you unconditionally" but that there will be times when you really have to prove it.

There are certain givens: people will make mistakes, people will hurt each other, people do regret (although some will say that they don't, and I think they may be kidding themselves when they say that, or rationalizing some behaviour they're trying to put in context). I have always been fascinated by a wonderful passage in which 'Abdu'l-Baha says,

Act in such a way that your heart may be free from hatred.

Let not your heart be offended with anyone.

If some one commits an error and wrong toward you, you must instantly forgive him.

Do not complain of others.

Refrain from reprimanding them, and if you wish to give admonition or advice, let it be offered in such a way that it will not burden the bearer.

Turn all your thoughts toward bringing joy to hearts.

Beware! Beware! lest ye offend any heart.

Assist the world of humanity as much as possible.

Be the source of consolation to every sad one, assist every weak one, be helpful to every indigent one, care for every sick one, be the cause of glorification to every lowly one, and shelter those who are overshadowed by fear.

In brief, let each one of you be as a lamp shining forth with the light of the virtues of the world of humanity.

Be trustworthy, sincere, affectionate and replete with chastity.

Be illumined, be spiritual, be divine, be glorious, be quickened of God, be a Baha'i.

(`Abdu'l-Baha: Promulgation of Universal Peace, page 453)

Who can do that? Who can be that? Well, Bahá'ís believe that 'Abdu'l-Baha was able to be what He was asking of us, and that we can strive towards this ideal. None of us will be able to be all of this, all of the time: but maybe sometimes we can be some of it, some of the time. Maybe loving is recognizing in each other our efforts to move forward, even when there's a two-step backwards, until we start moving forward again. Maybe the reason we slip is to teach us that we must love each and everyone with all their imperfections, with what the Bahá'í writings call a "sin-covering eye." I want to be one of those people who, when I am hurt, can "instantly forgive" and look deeper into their hearts and souls to focus on the shining light that they are underneath their pain, which is often what causes the hurt in the first place. And I hope to be loved by people who have also embraced this ideal, because then, when we hurt each other, we will find ways to "instantly forgive" because we love. Because we love.

I am far from this, but I have known people who seem closer, who love you even when you make terrible mistakes, and who instantly forgive you. It seems to me that the greatest love, as Lisa says, is not to love someone because they are perfect, but because they are not.